The General Truth of Intimate Relationships Is Mutual Torment

This article intends to offer some superficial reflections on the dynamics of male-female intimate relationships from a middle-aged man's perspective, perhaps providing some inspiration to those tormented by intimate relationships.

This article intends to offer some superficial reflections on the dynamics of male-female intimate relationships from a middle-aged man’s perspective, perhaps providing some inspiration to those tormented by intimate relationships. Let me state upfront: this article does not attempt to provide a comprehensive discussion of this issue from all angles and perspectives. I must admit that my observations and thinking bear deep personal imprints, but I believe many middle-aged people will resonate with this article.

The General Truth of Intimate Relationships Is Mutual Torment

Think back to our childhood: how many elder couples didn’t spend their days in conflict? Did parents bicker and sulk every few days, even to the point of threatening to attack each other with a cleaver? In my impression, when I was young, it was common for young couples in the village to fight, drink pesticide, hang themselves, or run away from home. At that time, no matter how deep the conflict, divorce was rare. Our generation’s marriages are no less dramatic - the only difference is that this generation chooses divorce, while the previous generation chose endurance.

The most paradoxical aspect of intimate relationships is that while their theme is supposedly love and tolerance, the reality is often indifference and resentment. Even in relationships that don’t explode into open conflict, that person is often the one who gives you the worst face on a daily basis. The ancients spoke of husband and wife “treating each other like guests” - perhaps this was a warning to avoid mutual torment.

Why does this happen? There are many reasons. I believe the primary reason is the independence of individual personalities. Men and women, as two kinds of beings, possess quite independent thoughts, desires, and temperaments. When brought together, friction is inevitable. Any major explosion is actually triggered by just a small spark. Think back: why did you get angry with your partner when dating? It might have been merely a disagreement about what to eat for a date. It might have been them taking out emotions from elsewhere on you. The initial cause of mutual resentment might be nothing more than a facial expression, a tone of voice, or a look.

If you can get along peacefully, your intimate relationship has already succeeded 60%. Unfortunately, most relationships I observe quickly devolve into mutual torment. Intimate relationships may be the most resilient compromise for modern young people, until desire is exhausted or becomes unbearable.

After my last relationship failed, the first major lesson I learned from painful reflection was that the most important task of an intimate relationship is to avoid mutual torment. This sounds like a mundane point, but few people seem to seriously consider it. It means not just avoiding conflict and tension, but achieving relaxation and joy. Any intimate relationship characterized by continuous suppression, constraint, frustration, or loss is actually mutual torment.

The second reason is unsound personality. In fact, intimate relationships are the biggest problem ordinary people face in life. Most people may read books well and do business well, but still handle intimate relationships poorly, thus falling into enormous family mental exhaustion.

To achieve a sound personality, besides necessary experience and age (it’s magical - when people reach a certain age, their thoughts and temper naturally change), one also needs sound knowledge - a mature set of ideas about life, marriage, love, desire, responsibility, and so on.

Many people live unexamined lives. Their work may succeed, but their family relationships are a mess. Their poor way of getting along with their partners extends to their poor way of educating their children.

I’ve seen too many people who, through their words and deeds, turn their children into people without courtesy, compulsively lying, emotionally unstable, lacking civic virtue, greedy for small advantages, and unable to distinguish right from wrong. People with unsound personalities not only fail to achieve harmonious family relationships, they also fail to successfully educate their children.

Finally, excessive investment in feelings, or even love, also leads to loss of emotional control. Why doesn’t he know I need this? Does she still love me? Do we still have love? These questions are repeatedly asked in countless so-called life details, almost invariably leading to emotional outbursts.

What I want to say is that if mutual torment is the general truth of intimate relationships, then basing them on love is the greatest fantasy. At least for adult men and women. Love is a modern fantasy, while marriage is an ancient institution. I won’t discuss this too much - it’s actually a truth that every adult man and woman eventually understands to some degree. Without happiness, without sex, but the marriage still maintains well, not for anything else, but to maintain a social institution with complex reasons.

When the fresh passion of love fades, even if you still love each other, mutual torment is hard to avoid. No matter how you treat each other, that person seems to be the one who gives you the worst face on a daily basis. Every time you go out with her to handle business, you have the opportunity to see her beautiful, elegant, and polite appearance. But as soon as you return home, that person’s face and tone return to mockery and sarcasm.

Can intimate relationships only be about mutual torment?

I Have No Emotions - I Am a Heartless Person

I think the most important method is emotional management.

In fact, the greatest challenge intimate relationships face is managing emotions. Intimate relationships, as the name suggests, are relationships that cannot be distanced - they must display and withstand each other’s emotions. When intimate relationships have problems, the most direct cause is emotions. The reason emotional management is so crucial is precisely because we’re too close. When you’re too close, even a mole can make you annoyed.

The emotional management I emphasize is different from reading faces. In emotional management, there are a few basic questions:

1. When you encounter someone in a bad mood, you naturally feel bad too - this is instinct.
2. The logic is actually very simple: you require a person to be in a good mood every moment they’re with you.
3. But the objective fact is that a person cannot be happy all the time.
4. Understanding this principle, we can handle a person’s negative emotions more tolerantly.
5. Facing someone with negative emotions, our first reaction shouldn’t be “I’m unhappy too,” but inquiry and concern.
6. Sixth, “be strict with yourself, lenient with others” - meanwhile, try not to bring negative emotions to unrelated people, like bringing work emotions home to family.

The biggest challenge one faces in intimate relationships is a partner with unpredictable moods. Basically there are two situations: first, getting angry for no reason; second, getting angry unnecessarily. Facing these situations, the natural reaction is usually to have emotions too: “If you’re unhappy, I’m unhappy too,” “Even if I’m wrong, it doesn’t deserve such huge anger.”

The essence of emotion is a physiological reaction. If the person in front of you is in a bad mood, it’s hard for you to be in a good mood. Without deliberate emotional management, even the tiniest bit of negative emotion from either party will ignite both.

The most important lesson I learned from my last failed relationship is to be a person without emotions in intimate relationships, to be a “heartless” person. By “without emotions,” I mean that when your partner is emotional, completely abandon any idea of equal treatment, completely forget that you’re also a person with a temper - completely suppress your emotional response, neither positive nor negative. I cannot respond with anxiety, frustration, regret, or exasperation. The best approach is to take action without any emotional fluctuation: ask, apologize, comfort, compensate. “I have no emotions - at this moment, I am a stone person.”

Why is this commandment so important? We already know many reasons - for example, the most direct cause of destroying intimate relationships is emotion, for example, emotional reaction is a natural physiological response, so emotional management in intimate relationships is crucial.

Additionally, a major reason many people respond to negative emotions with negative emotions is that they overestimate the importance of intimate relationships. If they find their beloved unhappy, they may feel their own lives dim, feel that their own lives have failed. Therefore, facing women’s negative emotions, many men ultimately nearly collapse - not because the women are unhappy per se, but because they’re ashamed of their own failure.

At this point, you should think: the greatest goal of intimate relationships is to avoid mutual torment, and you should also think that intimate relationships are more importantly a social institution. As a man, life isn’t just about romance - even if intimate relationships collapse, your life won’t collapse because of it, because you have your own career, hobbies, circles, and so on.

Besides this, men or women may have negative emotions because they feel the other person doesn’t care enough, understand, or look after them. For modern Chinese men, the “pampering wife” mode may have fostered willfulness, creating an atmosphere in intimate relationships of “men unconditionally loving women.” After daily crazy pampering, many men inevitably feel a trace of desolation, questioning the value of doing this. For this, I still suggest every man remember that point: should male-female intimate relationships really occupy such a large position in your life? Not being cared for but loving her - so what?

Here we must return to the issue of sound personality. Only men and women with sound personalities can enjoy love in intimate relationships (even if it just means not tormenting each other). By “sound personality,” in terms of love, I mean this state: I am happy alone; with her (him), I am happier. A person’s happiness doesn’t depend on others’ giving. So what if her care isn’t enough? If she happens to care more, I’m just a bit happier, not happy because of it.

If you still hold grudges about this so-called “detail” of a little more or less care, you will sooner or later taste the bitter fruit of mutual torment. Love is optional for marriage, marriage isn’t the decisive factor of life’s happiness, the foundation of all your happiness lies in yourself. Intimate relationships give us the opportunity to give love and fulfill people, not become calculating, anxious, and resentful.

Marriage Isn’t That Important, So Don’t Consider Cheating

Marriage cannot determine your life’s happiness, nor is it all of life. If emotional management is tactical attention to intimate relationships, then reminding yourself that intimate relationships aren’t everything is strategic contempt.

I have already pointed out:

1. The general truth of male-female intimate relationships is mutual torment;
2. The root causes of this situation are independent personalities and unsound personalities;
3. The direct causes of this situation are ignored or uncontrolled emotional management;
4. One reason for uncontrolled emotional management is overestimating the weight of intimate relationships in life.

If these four problems aren’t handled well, intimate relationships continue to deteriorate, ultimately leading to long-term mutual torment, and many people will try to start a new intimate relationship, they will cheat or divorce.

Sometimes we view cheating too simplistically and morally. Admittedly, cheating is one of the absolute moral errors of sexual ethics, especially when some people merely use intimate relationships as tools to seek excitement and pleasure. But, carefully consider this situation: do mutually tormented men and women really not want to start over? You have to understand, mutual torment is the general daily life of intimate couples.

Many complex situations can be discussed. For intimate couples, one of the biggest misunderstandings is thinking that changing to another person will bring happiness. But after really changing to another person, you discover things are just as bad. Only after truly experiencing different people does every man and woman become mature and realistic in this regard.

One situation I want to discuss in detail is that some middle-aged men plan to “make up for regrets” with young, beautiful women. In recent years, some university teachers have been exposed, originally successful in their careers and respected, actually hiding an imperfect marriage or love “regret.” ¹ Leaving other issues aside, these men’s thinking is actually very simple - they want truly happy intimate relationships (especially marriage), which is crucial to their entire lives. However, they may have made at least these three mistakes:

1. Not recognizing the general truth about intimate relationships we discussed earlier;
2. Viewing intimate relationships, including marriage, as the decisive factor of life’s happiness;
3. Attempting to escape the constraints of the general law of mutual torment in new intimate relationships.

However, after passion fades not only does it return to mundaneness (if not becoming like enemies), it becomes mutual torment again. If they had understood emotional management and viewed the position and weight of intimate relationships in life reasonably, would they still want to “make up for regrets”?

The person you should choose may not be the one you love most, but the one least likely to mutually torment you. This may be one of the most important considerations in partner choice.

Additionally, starting a new marriage causes many people irreparable harm for life, especially women and children. The value of divorced middle-aged women in the marriage market drops sharply, which is unfair to women (though women must also bear some responsibility for their outcomes). Men’s tentative activities consume much time and energy, not only delaying careers but also potentially ruining their reputation if careless. Also, in extreme cases, it may trigger love murder and other tragedies. ² Last but not least, in the process of rebuilding marriage, a person’s moral cultivation is more or less damaged.

Two Cases

Let me briefly tell two cases, one strategic, one tactical, to deepen our previous discussion.

The first case, strategic. Not long ago, Doctor Xiao from Beijing China-Japan Friendship Hospital’s cheating incident received widespread attention. From exposed materials, Doctor Xiao was young and capable, handsome; his wife successful in her career, with a beautiful face. Various comments appeared about this event, but public voices were consistently condemnatory of cheating. One critical voice was: Doctor Xiao has such a good wife, why isn’t he satisfied and wants to cheat? Outsiders cannot know the specific situation.

From our discussion’s theme, what can we say? What’s crucial is understanding that the general truth of male-female intimate relationships is mutual torment, unrelated to excellence or appearance. Even if not like enemies, even if in love, after passion fades, daily life is full of thorns.

One or both parties may want to seek new intimate relationships. However, the “imperfection” they’re trying to escape is actually just a mutually tormenting relationship, while mutual torment is the general daily life of any intimate relationship. If Doctor Xiao could understand this principle, what might he do? Perhaps a better approach is to diligently manage the current marriage, committed to solving the problem of mutual torment, rather than seeking a “more complete” marriage.

Many successful men, strategically overestimate the weight of marriage. Even if their marriage isn’t bad, they actively seek “more complete” marriages. I of course respect their choices and understand marriage’s complexity, but my general thought is still: strategically despise, tactically prioritize. The crux of so-called “incomplete” marriage may just be uncontrolled emotional management. If it can be properly resolved, that’s better. If it can’t be completely resolved, perhaps the better choice is to invest more time and energy in one’s career, making greater contributions to society. Perhaps at that point, the family will actually be happier. Conversely, simply changing to another person will only continue repeating the tragic plot.

The second case, tactical. Two years ago I listened to a podcast interview online. ³ The female guest talked about her intimate relationship’s mental journey. This lady worked at a software development company doing process optimization. For a long time she had no plans to date (of course, with many considerations and concerns). She had a website ⁴ that she operated for two or three years. Once her personal website might have had problems due to redesign, and she revealed somewhere that she encountered difficulties. A reader of her website contacted her and helped solve the problem. They gradually became familiar through this interaction. Finally one day, she felt an impulse to chat with him when she had free time (experienced people know this is a sign of liking someone). So she wanted to reveal this thought to him. She used the way of negotiating with clients to agree on a video call with him. After the first call, both felt the relationship could progress. So second and third calls, more formally discussing her psychological changes since meeting him, her expectations and worries about intimate relationships, etc. These communication messages would be listed in detail in advance, like discussing project items in a meeting. In this way, both had full understanding of each other’s emotions, expectations and worries about feelings, knowing how to treat each other. After establishing the formal relationship, they agreed to do a small weekly review and a major monthly review, including: what’s my current state, what support do I need from you recently, what of your recent behavior made me unhappy or uncomfortable, what do I hope for your future behavior, and so on.

Out of some professional habit, this lady managed intimate relationships like managing projects, conducting detailed, rational, calm, open conversations. I’m not suggesting my readers learn from them, but using their story as an inspirational case, to see that if we’re willing to prioritize intimate relationships tactically, to what extent we might go: we might have more calm communication instead of emotional complaints, might transform emotions that could have erupted at the time into harmonious communication through advance preparation or post-factum processing. We actually have many methods to make our intimate relationships better, achieving the original intention of intimate relationships: “one person is good, but two are better.”

Conclusion

Male-female intimate relationships are actually one of the greatest life challenges we face. Many people can handle career problems well but struggle with family problems, thus falling into endless internal friction. We should despise strategically, prioritize tactically. The most important strategy: don’t view intimate relationships as overly important, “don’t rejoice in material gains, don’t grieve over personal losses.” The most important tactic is good emotional management in intimate relationships, avoiding being swept into endless abysses by emotions. To summarize, our points are:

1. The general truth of intimate relationships is mutual torment.
2. So-called mutual torment isn’t just loud quarrels, but also shows in post-passion suppression, mockery and indifference, that person may be the one giving you the worst face in daily life.
3. If an intimate relationship is actually mutual torment, it must either be terminated or changed.
4. The root causes of mutual torment are independent personalities and unsound personalities.
5. Independent personality means that relationships established by the richest-thinking and most-feeling individuals of all creatures are the most conflict-prone relationships - a facial expression, a look, a movement, a tone, can lead both parties’ emotions into the abyss.
6. Unsound personality means that due to lack of necessary life experience and practical wisdom, many people base their happiness on others’ giving or response, and lack basic self-awareness or ability.
7. The direct cause of mutual torment is ignoring emotional management, ultimately sweeping both into endless abysses.
8. Avoiding mutual torment is the most fundamental goal of managing intimate relationships; if intimate relationships fall into mutual torment, solutions must be found; if can’t be solved together, at least one person solves it - be a person without emotions in intimate relationships.
9. Avoiding mutual torment means not just avoiding loud quarrels, but making intimate relationships relaxed, comfortable, and joyful.
10. Don’t overestimate the importance of intimate relationships. Don’t be ashamed of your intimate relationship’s poor state, thus increasing negative emotions and leading to uncontrolled emotional management.
11. A person with independent and sound personality has their own career, hobbies, circles, and happiness.
12. Such people together with independent and sound people will be happier, both knowing emotional management.
13. Such people with less independent and sound people can also be happier, provided they manage their own emotions first and guide the other through rational, calm communication.